Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.
This week we hear from Taylor*, a 27-year-old queer person working as a barista in London, who has never been on a date before — always opting for casual sex or hookups. They are also in recovery for a porn addiction.
Their personal relationship with sex is compulsive, but after years of seeking solace in sex if they’re feeling low, they’re now in a 12-step recovery programme for porn and anonymous sex.
‘It’s often something that’s typically been a crutch if I’ve had a difficult day, and is often done anonymously or through sex chat/video or hook-up apps,’ Taylor explains.
They were introduced to porn at the age of 10, and it became a routine for them to hide away and watch it after they were bullied at school.
‘It just felt safe and comforting even though I wasn’t aware at the time of how damaging it was to be that young and watching such explicit content,’ they explain.
But this is something Taylor is trying to change, and they’re working on exploring intimacy without the use of pornography.
‘I’d like my sex life to be something that is an extension of my morals and my principles; kind, communicative, intimate and slow,’ they add.
‘I’d like it to be something that’s connected, where I’m able to be present in the moment rather than something that’s used to distract me from the world around me.’
Taylor also wants sex to feel like a choice rather than a compulsion, and they’re starting that by attempting to go on his first ever proper date.
So, without further ado, here’s how Taylor got on this week…
The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.
Monday
I have a date on Thursday for the first time ever and I’m currently thinking about what my ‘hello’ should be. I decided not to add in a salute, that feels far too formal. I’ve already got my outfit planned, something casual yet representative of who I am.
It’s been 10 months since I first downloaded ‘the apps’ and I’m speaking to someone who seems very interesting. We have similar interests in music and theatre so that feels promising.
Despite the fact I’ve never been on a date, I feel this is a plus because I know more about myself now I’ve grown up a bit, and that feels like a good place to be dating from.
I’m writing a list today of the things that I don’t want for myself on this date, not from a pessimistic mindset but from one of self preservation. It’s less about things that I don’t want from them, but what I want to avoid doing in myself — like not being judgemental, or gossiping about people, or being too vulnerable too quickly. They’re boundaries for myself. Number one, is to not have sex.
Tuesday
The list has grown. Additions include ‘no innuendo’ and ‘no promiscuous chat’. I’m not a prude, far from it. Historically I have a compulsive relationship with sex, and I want to make sure that I’m going into this date with communication and behavioural boundaries when it comes to anything sex related, because that’s all I can control.
I’ve been in recovery for sex and pornography addiction for four years this autumn, which is what has led me to this point of exploring connections without sex being the focus. One thing I know that I want from this date is to be able to practise having an emotional connection with someone – to get to know them.
That might sound quite simple but I live a pretty isolated life. I live alone, tend to do most things solo, and if I do do them with other people they’re always friends or family. It’s never been with anyone in a romantic setting before, so I want to give myself the best chance of experiencing that.
My history has shown that I can quite easily meet someone for the first time and sleep with them that evening – or even that hour – and although that can be exhilarating, it’s something I don’t want for my future. So it’s up to me to change that pattern and this is a great step on that ladder.
Wednesday
As an addict, watching porn is on my list of behaviours that are off limits, but I’ve been slipping recently due to stress, and I acted out with porn and compulsive masturbation last night.
I ring one of my friends in recovery and we speak through some of the triggers and what I can do moving forward to have boundaries around my digital time, especially in the evenings.
With sex specifically, it’s something that I want to be a part of my life in a way that’s a method of connection and healthy communication, rather than something that I feel compelled to do to self-soothe.
Getting help
If you struggle with sexual addiction of any kind you can seek support at The Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity which lists where to seek professional help that is local to you.
It’s hard with behavioural addictions because it’s about me breaking down my negative patterns and rebuilding healthier ones, rather than just abstaining from sex altogether. So, despite a slip with pornography and masturbation, I know I’m still worthy of forging healthy relationships with new people.
I’m looking forward to figuring out this healthier form of intimacy that I want on my date tomorrow. There’s no time for self-pity, just accountability moving forward. Off to bed, wish me luck tomorrow!
Thursday
It’s date day and we’re meeting at the local coffee shop at 11am. There’s a time boundary of 90 minutes too, which feels good — I notice that ambiguity can be a tricky space for me to inhabit so having gentle boundaries around how long the date is feels helpful.
I’m feeling pretty anxious. Out of 10 I’d say we’re at a nine, but there’s room for a glimmer of excitement. I know a lot of non-queer people might experience this a lot, but this is the first time I’ve shown interest in dating someone and it be reciprocated and taken into the actual physical world.
I decide to wear loafers, a nice shirt and waistcoat — quintessential of who I am. I’ll report back once the date has concluded, but I’m going for a decaf coffee because if I have caffeine I might explode.
I’ve already sat myself in my usual seat when they show up – the comfort and routine of sitting in my regular spot makes me slightly less nervous. I’m still second-guessing myself though, but the second they sit in front of me, we click.
Their body language gradually becomes a little more flirtatious which is exciting. Our feet are nearly intertwined and after two coffees and we part ways with a hug.
Friday
The date went really well! Hurrah, no one collapsed and no one was ghosted — a win win. We had a really great conversation and I forgot how engaging it can be to just get to know someone new without any physical intimacy.
Just talking, figuring each other out word by word and seeing what we like and what we don’t. It actually felt quite radical to be able to do that in a world where all I’ve ever known is anonymous hook-ups and getting to know people without ever finding out their name.
They were really funny which is a plus for me, and it was great to know that my honest communication in the week prior about this being a new experience for me was being met with gentleness and slowness.
They said they appreciated me saying I wanted to take things slowly and just see each other as two people getting to know each other, rather than anything else. It feels like I’m witnessing the fruits of honest communication for the first time. Off to bed alone, and feeling grounded and proud of myself — no matter what happens next.
Saturday
I wake up with a fair amount of anxiety this morning about what to do next with my date. I don’t know the protocol and haven’t thought about what it might look like to think about date two. The fear of the unknown catches me off guard.
I feel a little trapped and my mind is in overdrive thinking about things that it doesn’t need to, like if our friendship groups will merge or if they want kids in the future.
I decide to look at my list of things I didn’t want to do whilst dating and one of them is not to seek immediate validation when anxious. I turn my phone off for the morning, go for coffee and a walk, and ground myself with a call in the afternoon to one of my recovery friends.
I tell myself that sex or pornography isn’t my crutch anymore, and I stay with the anxious feelings until they pass. When I turn my phone back on, my date has messaged checking in and telling me about their morning.
Everything I’m worried about hasn’t materialised and I remember that I’m never trapped in anything – I always have a choice as to what I do next. I reply, walk home and settle into an evening that feels vastly more relaxing than my morning.
Sunday
I decide to ask them out for date two today. Who would’ve thought little old me would be the one to bite the bullet? I’ve always wanted to go to the cinema and to dinner with someone on a date. I know it might sound quite ‘normal’, but it’s something I’ve only ever seen on the TV or in films, and I’ve always wanted to experience what it’s like in the starring role.
It’s a big leap for someone who actively goes to the cinema alone and rarely asks even my closest friends to dinner. But I feel compelled because I’m learning that forging connections that are emotionally intimate takes effort, and at times, a gentle push outside of one’s comfort zone. Not a breaking of my boundaries but perhaps a slight stretch.
Sexually I feel centred again and in a good place with my recovery, which is a great feeling after having a slip in the week. The date has shown me that it’s possible for me as a queer person to be seen and desired without having to take my clothes off, and that’s amazing.
It’s new, and something I never really thought would be possible for someone like me. I get a text and my heart skips a beat…
They said yes to date number two! Here’s to some more self-discovery.
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