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‘Would love to eat your peach’. ‘Mm I can tell you would be a demon in the sheets.’ ‘How would you describe your libido?’. These were the messages I got from straight men during my first five minutes back on Tinder after a two-year hiatus. Was I surprised? Absolutely not.
There aren’t many options when you receive unwanted innuendo or misogynistic one-liners. You can reply, of course, ignore it, block the sender, or report them to the dating app.
But Metro had one more idea up our sleeve: flip the script and send these men the same kind of messages women get in their DMs every day.
As part of our newfound approach, we applied some strict rules of engagement: don’t send degrading or offensive messages. No messages of a sexual nature. And only reply to men who’d sent a questionable message first, or had something derogatory about women in their Tinder bio.
So, after spending two nights exchanging messages on the app, how did my new technique go down?
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Chad
My first encounter was with a man called Chad*. He was the guy who sent me the ‘demon in the sheets’ opener, so I replied with a one-liner a friend of mine had received a few months back.
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‘I don’t like promiscuous men, sorry,’ I wrote.
I’m not sure what I expected him to say next, but what he did, certainly made me feel uncomfortable.
‘Men can’t really be promiscuous though,’ Chad insisted, to which I replied: ‘I think you need to Google the meaning of promiscuous…’
Clearly not getting the message, he continued: ‘You can’t take everything Google says lol. Last time I checked only women are the ones that can be promiscuous, not men. We are not designed for that.’
I quickly told him this wasn’t the case, which, of course, didn’t go down well.
‘Either way you wouldn’t be with a guy that’s not experienced, so you saying you don’t want a guy that’s promiscuous is just dumb,’ Chad snapped.
‘Us men, we don’t want our girls to be promiscuous, we value that s**t, you guys don’t.
‘The only reason you think I’m incorrect is simply because you’re delusional. I’m not the type of guy that sits there and lies so I can have some p***y.’
Such an agitated response gave me the perfect opportunity to ask that classic question women hear all the time: ‘Why are you getting so emotional?’
Still not ready to give up, Chad declared this was a ‘typical feminist comeback’ and accused me of being emotional.
As much as I wanted to end this conversation feeling like I’d served Chad some of his own medicine, I felt perplexed and disheartened. Instead, I let him have the last word, because, as frustrating as it was, it was clear no amount of reasoning was going to educate him — some people can’t be helped, I guess.
Spencer
Next was Spencer*, who opened with: ‘Up for a bit of fun, are you.’
His profile picture is the stereotypical topless mirror selfie where his phone covers his face, leaving you with no choice but to stare at his tensed torso and skeleton hand tattoo.
Drawing from my archive of unwanted advances, I replied with a message I’d received about a bikini picture that’s still on my dating profile: ‘You look nice, but I don’t think you should really pose with your top off.’
Why do men communicate on apps this way?
Clinical Psychologist Dr Sarah Bishop specialises in relationships and is all too familiar with the pitfalls of online dating and how it affects both men and women.
According to her, the reason for such blunt sexual requests is all down to the law of averages.
‘Men are more likely to engage in sexual risk-taking,’ Dr Bishop explains. ‘And by sending multiple messages, they believe they’ll get at least some positive responses.’
She adds that some research suggests that men can be less attuned to emotional cues, particularly in digital communication, leading to a lack of awareness regarding the discomfort their messages may cause.
I’m not sure whether that comment just didn’t land for Spencer, but I didn’t get the response I expected. ‘Ever so sorry darling,’ he said.
Was he just being sarcastic? I’ll never know. As I did with Chad, I left him on read and left him hanging, as I certainly can’t be dealing with men who can’t even bother to muster a hello before diving in with icky one-liners.
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Sam
If every woman had a pound for every time they’ve been told to smile by a male stranger, well, they would be very rich.
So I tried this line in reverse. First up was Sam*, who was deadpan in every one of his profile photos — think Mr Heckles from Friends, but 50 years younger. ‘Oi oi gorgeous, when you coming to see me,’ he wrote with a heart-eyes emoji. This was by no means the most offensive message I’ve ever received, but it was still too familiar for my liking.
Rather than responding to the question at hand, I replied: ‘I think you should smile more in your photos, you’d look better.’
Not quite catching my drift, Sam wrote: ‘Sorry I don’t smile… you’re sexy though.’
Urgh. Already feeling drained from my Tinder safari, I didn’t reply, as he was clearly fishing for a quick hook up and, well, that wasn’t part of our experiment.
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The takeaways
Many of the men I messaged didn’t reply — and why would they? I was being rude, unapproachable, and entitled.
Some, like Chad, were unimpressed, but for the most part, men didn’t seem to register that what I’d said was insulting. Perhaps they simply didn’t care.
It wasn’t all doom and gloom though. There were plenty of messages that made me chuckle. One guy asked me if I was the bottom of his desktop because I was really hot and it was making him nervous, while another messaged to say he didn’t get a reply and so should he ‘unmatch and match you again with a different opening line?’
I liked the pragmatism, and of course there was an abundance of ‘hey, how are you’ messages, which just seemed bland. I think it all comes down to tone and delivery — it’s okay to be cheeky but do it with charm, rather than leaving me feeling like I need to take a shower.
But, as for the messages that weren’t so harmless, Dr Sarah Bishop explains that the anonymity online platforms provide can lead people to disconnect from the consequences of their actions — or in this case, messages.
My brief stint chatting to strangers on Tinder and Hinge is a reminder of the reality that many women face in 2024. Social media is awash with singles who say they feel objectified, disrespected and disillusioned by modern dating, and, after my little experiment, it’s not hard to see why.
What do men think?
At 29, Jason* has plenty of experience with the apps. Metro asked what he thinks about men’s motivations for sending inappropriate messages online, and he shared a similar view to Dr Bishop.
‘A lot of guys are just on the apps to try and “get it”,’ Jason says. ‘They hide behind the apps which give them some form of anonymity and it makes them feel powerful enough to send those messages.’
Jason says he also feels a lot of men aren’t in tune with their emotions and this, along with a combination of watching porn, means some see women as a ‘service for sex’.
He said he would be angry if he discovered that his sister or one of his female friends had received unwanted sexual messages, but admitted he wouldn’t be surprised.
‘If I found out a mate spoke to women like this I’d have a strong word. If you can’t respect women, what makes you think they should respect you?’ he added.
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