The contraceptive pill has had a revolutionary impact on women’s lives, and allowed many couples to make decisions about when – or if – to have children.
But what happens when that decision isn’t mutual? If someone stops taking birth control without telling their partner, it raises serious questions about trust, consent and responsibility.
That’s the situation this week’s Sex Column reader now finds herself in. After secretly coming off the pill, she’s 10 weeks pregnant – only instead of the excitement she expected, her boyfriend wants her to have an abortion.
Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to read last week’s column about a woman whose mum kicked off about her sex life after reading her diary without permission.
The problem:
I read the recent letter from a woman in her 30s whose boyfriend didn’t offer commitment, while she wanted marriage and children. It very much rang a bell with me, as I was in the same situation until recently.
I too had lived with my partner for several years, and he didn’t seem to share my vision for family life in the future. Every time I tried to talk about it, he dismissed my concerns and accused me of trying to start an argument.
Eventually, I took matters into my own hands and, without telling him, stopped taking the pill. I’m now 10 weeks pregnant and he is furious with me. He has basically told me to get rid of the baby, as he says he isn’t ready for such a commitment; by this I’m guessing he means he won’t be able to party all weekend with his friends or disappear on golfing holidays as he does now.
He has temporarily moved in with his brother and says he won’t come back until I make up my mind to have a termination. His reaction is so cold and unfeeling, it’s hard to think this is the same guy I fell in love with.
I’m now 33, so ending this pregnancy would be a massive deal for me, and I don’t think I want to do it. But it doesn’t seem like I’m going to get any support from him if I decide to go ahead.
What makes me really sad is the number of so-called friends who’ve accused me of trying to trap him. I’ve tried to explain it from my point of view, but not many people want to listen.
The advice:
I don’t like the expression ‘trapping’ someone, because sex is a two-way street and everyone knows that’s how we make babies. But coming off the pill without telling your boyfriend was dishonest, and frankly asking for trouble.
While I feel for men in his situation, he’s not the one who has contacted me. So, let’s take this problem from your point of view and work out how best you can move forward.
Your partner has left you, but baby or no baby, do you really want him back? If he parties all weekend and disappears on holiday without you, he doesn’t sound like good husband (much less father) material at the moment.
If you opt for life as a single parent, let’s assume he’s not going to be an active and involved dad. Do you have the support of family and friends? Never mind those who criticise the choices you’ve made – are there enough of the rest?
Please don’t go ahead with this pregnancy in the hope that he’ll change – he may do, but judging by his reactions so far, it’s unlikely. That said, if you’re sure you want to keep the baby, he’ll still be financially liable to help maintain the child, and if he doesn’t do this willingly, you can seek help from the Government’s Child Maintenance Service.
The most important thing is not to feel pressured into a termination you don’t want. The time has come to disregard the background chatter and do what you believe is right for you and your unborn child.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.
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