‘U up?’ texts boosted my ego – then I spring cleaned my sex life

Spotting the preview of a text on my phone, I sighed loudly to myself in annoyance.

The message was from a former fling called Danny*. We had a few dates many years ago but despite that, and the fact we didn’t have much of a connection then and barely know each other now, he liked to pop up occasionally just to ‘see how I am’.

Subtext: He wanted to see if I’d be interested in ‘hanging out’ again.

I typed out a quick response but didn’t ask how he was in return – the universal way of saying ‘thanks, but no thanks’ – yet Danny didn’t take the hint and more texts subsequently followed.

As much as I was baffled by why this bloke kept getting back in touch, I was also equally irritated at myself for not just blocking his number. It’s the same exasperated feeling I get when I receive junk mail online.

Instead of hitting unsubscribe to save myself a future headache, I delete the email while knowing full well that there will be another to take its place very soon.

However, last month, I decided the exchange with Danny would be the last of its kind for two reasons.

Firstly, I reminded myself that it’s not rude to block someone who doesn’t respect your wishes (something I’ve noticed women struggle more with than men). 

Secondly, I have a new phone number.

And while I was hit by a pang of nostalgia at the thought of never hearing from any of my exes again at first, I’ve since come to realise that it’s time we all Marie Kondo’d our sex lives (and contact lists) – there really is no relief like it.

I’ll admit that, for me, hearing from an ex once gave me an ego boost. But I also confess that, more often than not, any prolonged contact with said exes usually led to me making bad choices.

Take Paul* for example: We had a messy fling a long time ago where the sex was mind-blowing. However, our hook-ups were all on his terms – which I didn’t like – yet when I eventually blew him off, saying I deserved better treatment, I still didn’t delete his number.

Why that is, I’m not quite sure. But over the years I’ve heard all sorts of reasons and explanations for not hitting that button.

Friends have told me that one of the reasons they keep someone’s contact info is that dating is tough – sometimes, you want what is comfortable and easy, even if it’s not right.

Others have admitted that they hold on to old digits for cold nights when they feel lonely and just want some attention.

In my case, I guess part of me worried that I’d be missing out on some great sex in my future.

If you are guilty of doing any of the above or something similar, know that I am not here to judge. I’d be a hypocrite if I did. But just know that this behaviour isn’t helpful to you or your ex.

By keeping Paul’s digits ‘just in case’ for 10 years, he took up needless space in my phone book, head and bed. Who knows, maybe if I’d openly admitted that there was nothing of benefit between us, I could have made space for something better sooner.

Please note that this is different than saving the numbers of people you are genuinely interested in hooking up with again.

If you want to have 15 fun buddies that you can call up for great sex at a moment’s notice, have at it. I had a great roster once upon a time and there’s nothing wrong with feeling out those waters.

But, if you’re plugging away at a spark that will never ignite, it’s time to move on. We all deserve better than to be someone’s back-up.

If you’re reluctant to take the leap or are worried that the grass isn’t greener on the other side, start small. Unfollow a few former lovers on social media and over the next few weeks, see if you actually miss their presence in your life.

If you do, re-follow them. If you don’t – good riddance.

You could also use the six-month rule; if you haven’t spoken to a former date or lover in this time, delete their digits.

Personally, I breathe a sigh of relief when I think about some of the texts that I will never again have to deal with, like the incessant requests from Roger* to go on another date – even though he ghosted me twice – or the ‘Hey, you up?’ from random one-night-stands I haven’t seen nor spoken to in over five years.

Hitting unsubscribe on my past sex life feels great and it also feels much more respectful to my boyfriend to start fresh.

Now all I have to do is tackle my email spam inbox.

*Names have been changed

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.