‘Pull the duvet down so I can see better,’ Alex tells me as I slide my hands further down my body.
My boyfriend is standing in the doorway to our bedroom, while I am naked in bed. Following Alex’s order, I toss the sheet aside and expose my naked self to him.
It feels a tiny bit embarrassing at first but I know that he loves my body – he makes a point to tell me all the time – so I push any intrusive thoughts aside. Instead, I embrace the moment.
Staring back at my boyfriend, I smile and start playing with myself.
I don’t invite Alex into bed and he makes no effort to join me either – but his hungry eyes are following my every move. We keep eye contact the entire time but don’t speak beyond Alex uttering the occasional encouraging phrase, like how ‘incredible’ I look and to ‘keep going’.
You could cut the sexual tension with a knife.
A few minutes later, I climax. It feels delicious – even more so because I am acutely aware that my boyfriend is watching. Once I’ve caught my breath, we both laugh at the randomness of the situation.
Alex had only popped his head into the bedroom to ask if I wanted coffee, when I decided to give him this unexpected treat. He asks if I’d like to take things further (read: have sex) but I’m pretty sated, so I politely decline.
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My boyfriend jokingly pulls a disappointed face before announcing that he’s off to take a very cold shower. And, I imagine, have a wank of his own.
This isn’t the first time I’ve masturbated in front of a lover but I’ll admit, it’s been a while.
Partly because I have a pretty great sex life, so recently I haven’t felt the need to ‘go it alone’. But also because I enjoy solo sessions in the morning and rarely get the bed to myself at that time of the day.
I’m an early riser and Alex likes to sleep in. And while I could get myself off in the shower (too wet) or on my fancy velvet sofa (too expensive), I’d really rather not.
But this recent experience reminded me of how amazing it can feel to trust in yourself and your lover – and just let go.
It’s a little embarrassing to admit but I got off on the power.
From talking to people about sex and masturbation over the years, I know that many of them – especially women – feel awkward or unable to play with themselves in front of a lover.
One friend, who is in a long-term relationship, once said it was ‘unthinkable’. The mere idea made her cringe. Funnily enough, her boyfriend had no qualms about giving himself a tug in front of her.
In this instance, my pal wasn’t asking for my advice so I didn’t give any. Though I did tell her about an amazing experience I’d had in the hopes that it might serve as inspiration.
It happened about 10 years ago.
I was on a call with a man I’d been casually seeing for a while, when our conversation escalated to phone sex. Feeling bold, I turned the video function on and held my phone in my hand while playing with myself.
It was a bit of a balancing act, mind you.
Sure, I noticed that my tummy was rolling up a bit and silently cursed myself for not shaving my legs before the call. But then I told myself, ‘Who the hell cares?’ My lover sure didn’t.
Soon enough, he joined in on the fun by pulling his trousers down and we climaxed together.
The reason this masturbation experience stands out is mostly due to the video element. Being able to see my body and what I was doing to it – while simultaneously seeing my partner’s face – felt thrilling.
It gave me a newfound appreciation for the magical pleasure that my own hands can bring. And because my lover wasn’t in the room with me, I also felt less self-conscious.
In some ways, masturbation is much more personal than sex with another person. After all, you might have been playing solo for years.
Maybe you’ve got a special routine that you don’t want to share with anyone else or are still figuring out what makes you tick.
It probably doesn’t help that sex is often lauded as an accomplishment or a goal to tick off, while masturbation is much more hush-hush. And women in particular are often judged for enjoying or exploring their body.
Irrespective of gender, if embarrassment is the reason you’re holding back, try to push past that feeling. There’s nothing shameful or ugly about loving your body and the joy it brings.
Keep the covers on at first, if that’s what you need. Or ask your partner to keep their eyes closed – but keep yours open, if you dare.
Harness the power and the high that comes with owning your pleasure.
Trust me, you look hot. Your lover wouldn’t be in that bed (or in my case, door frame) if they didn’t enjoy your body.
Once you’re ready, toss that duvet to the side. Let go and feel the magic.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
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