My boyfriend likes watching me have sex with strangers — but I’m ready to settle down

Whether you’re more vanilla in the bedroom or prefer to test your limits, we all have a kink or fantasy that gets us going.

But this week, we hear from a reader who is struggling to navigate her parnter’s desire: he enjoys watching her sleep with other men. 

They’ve indulged his fantasy for years, but as she starts thinking about their future, she can’t shake the feeling that if they break the habit, it’ll be the end of their relationship. 

Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to read last week’s column about a grieving son who’s torn between putting his love life or his family first.

The problem…

I’ve lived with my boyfriend for 18 months and on the whole, we have a great relationship. We both have good jobs, and a varied social life, and plan to marry eventually. From the outside, we are definitely a bit ‘Barbie and Ken’, as both of us take great care of our appearances and like to create a good impression. 

But there’s one thing that’s unconventional about our relationship, and that is the fact that my partner absolutely loves watching other men have sex with me.

He’d never dream of letting me have an affair or go with someone else when he wasn’t there, but once every few weeks, we either pick up guys in pubs far away from our home, or book someone online. We stay in hotels so no one knows where we live or even our real names, and we never have any trouble finding willing participants. 

Apparently, he was like this with his last girlfriend, but she eventually decided she didn’t want that sort of lifestyle and dumped him. From what he says, if he had agreed to change and commit to a one-on-one relationship, she would have stayed with him. But he says that’s just not what he wants. 

I’ve asked him why this is so important to him, and he can’t explain. I want children within the next couple of years, so to my mind, this way of life has to end. But if I decide I only want him and no one else, the implication is that our relationship will be over. 

The advice…

I wonder how terrible it would be if your relationship with this guy ended. You seem to have persuaded yourself that having this sort of sex life is fine, but it sounds as though you’re doing it more to please your boyfriend than yourself – and no doubt the men you pick up have a great time too. 

If this is all genuinely consensual, then there is nothing inherently wrong with what you’re doing. But if you just go along with it because it’s what your partner wants and expects, then it’s not so healthy. 

Picking up strangers for sex can be quite a risky business, and the fact that your boyfriend happily puts you in these situations tells me he’s thinking more about himself and his own gratification than you. Your needs are every bit as important as his, so the minute you don’t want to go along with this any longer, then just tell him. 

Some people find that when they have children, their priorities shift. And if he isn’t open to things changing, perhaps he isn’t ready for the kind of family life you’re looking for.

Breaking up is never easy, but it’s time to stand up for yourself and your own values. Marrying the wrong person could condemn you to an unhappy future, and you might end up wishing you’d gone through the heartache now. 

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.

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