The sex was electric – then I said the worst thing imaginable

‘Oh yes, oh god, Louis!’ I shouted as my lover moved his hips faster, sending me into a pleasure spiral.

The sensation from his touch was so powerful that it took me a few seconds to realise what I’d done.

Of course, screaming Louis’s name should’ve been a positive – he was performing well and it’s the greatest endorsement of his prowess in the bedroom possible. 

Just one problem. He wasn’t called Louis. His name was Sam. 

It hit me right there. I was in the middle of sex and had just said the wrong name out loud.

Panic quickly set in as I tried to gather my thoughts and figure out what the hell to do next.

I contemplated if I should acknowledge my mistake or apologise – but worried that this would only make things worse.

Could I play this off as some kind of joke? ‘No, that would be cruel,’ I told myself.

Mostly, I wanted to disappear into a dark hole and not come back out for a few years.

A flurry of different scenarios played out in my head over what felt like several minutes but in reality, only took seconds.

In the end, because I was absolutely mortified, I froze and said nothing at all.

Bizarrely, my lover didn’t seem to have noticed the error. 

Or worse, maybe he did hear me but was so embarrassed that there was only one thing to do: Keep going.

So, that’s exactly what we did.

Following his lead, I returned to the task at hand. It took me a few minutes to get back in the groove but half an hour later, we both enjoyed an orgasm.

The next morning, it was like the mistake never happened. 

This particular moment took place around 10 years ago and I am still confused by the chain of events.

I wasn’t even fantasising about Louis during the sex but he’d meant a lot to me, and we’d only stopped seeing each other a month or so earlier, and he’d been on my mind a lot in the days leading up to my big mistake. 

Honestly, I think my brain just short-circuited during the pleasure ‘high’.

Sam was also a casual hook-up, so I did what I thought was best at the time.

The most important thing I’ve learned from disastrous sex is this: S**t happens

I imagine that most people have at least one awkward sex story of this kind in their repertoire, but most of us shy away from talking about them.

I get why.

But if we don’t discuss the times we screw up between the sheets, we will never remove the shame and stigma attached to them. 

Thankfully, not every mistake during sex was my own.

Around the time I turned 30, a man from my past – we’ll call him Benny – randomly got back in touch online. 

We had worked together years earlier and I’d always had a crush on him, but he’d never shown any interest.

As it turns out, I was wrong about that last part.

After a bit of banter, Benny, asked for my number and said he’d drop me a text sometime. 

A few days later, while out drinking at a local pub, he did just that.

I lived a few train stops away and I’ve never been one to say no to adventure, so I made the short journey over.

An hour later, we were having sex in the missionary position when I heard a sobbing sound. 

It was coming from Benny.

Concerned, I immediately asked if he was okay as he rolled off my body.

Looking embarrassed, he explained that he missed his ex and unintentionally started thinking about her while we were having sex.

I felt bad for him – but I also felt pretty damn bad for myself.

But it was clear that this wasn’t about me so I pushed my own feelings aside for the moment.

Benny was heartbroken and had, as he admitted himself, tried to ‘get over someone by getting under someone else’ before he was ready.

I let him talk it out and we agreed to just be friends. 

The next day I snuck out in the early hours of the morning with a quick ‘bye’ as I closed the door.

I can confidently say that we were both relieved by my speedy exit.

I’m no longer embarrassed by this sexual encounter and I hope Benny isn’t either. But I don’t know for sure – we haven’t spoken since.

There are plenty more awkward memories in my box – like the time I accidentally pulled a man’s foreskin too hard during a handjob – but I think I’ll stop here, for now.

The most important thing I’ve learned from disastrous sex is this: S**t happens.

It’s not a particularly enlightened conclusion but it’s the truth. All you can really do is to assess each situation as it comes and work your way from there.

If you make a mistake, consider the other person’s feelings and apologise. 

That might make me sound like a hypocrite, since I didn’t say sorry to Sam. I wanted to but I genuinely worried that highlighting the issue would only hurt him further.

On the flipside, if your lover makes a mistake, be kind. I promise you they’ll feel bad enough as it is.

Whatever the situation, try not to punish yourself or each other. While we should acknowledge our mistakes, little good comes from dwelling on them.

And above all, take comfort in the fact that we all mess up. And it doesn’t stop you enjoying yourself.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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