This common habit shows your relationship is unlikely to last

One of the crucial things in every relationship is trust; without it, Chekhov wrote, ‘life becomes impossible’.

But in our increasingly digital world, it’s easier than ever to give into suspicion and snoop on those we love.

More than a third of Brits admit to having spied on a partner’s devices and social media accounts, with four in 10 confessing they do so at least once a week. On top of that, over 20% of men say they’ve used their sleeping partner’s fingerprint to unlock their phone.

In recent reports from Daily Mail, ‘digital detective work’ was the catalyst for Lily Allen and David Harbour’s four-year marriage ending.

The singer is said to have downloaded Raya – where the pair first met – to find out if her husband was seeing someone else, with the revelation David had an active profile on the dating app leaving her ‘devastated’.

But just because we’re all doing it, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.

According to sex and relationship therapist, Rhian Kivits, the desire to go digging ‘suggests that the relationship is not built on healthy foundations and is unlikely to be robust enough to last in the longterm.’

It signals a lack of trust, as well as ‘a lack of honest, open communication between partners’ — but there are mitigating circumstances that may justify this kind of reconnaissance.

‘When someone resorts to digital snooping, it is usually because they’ve already noticed red flags about their partner’s behaviour and they’re being motivated by their suspicions,’ Rhian tells Metro.

‘Digital snooping in this context is about discovering the truth in a circumstance whereby the truth is actively being hidden and denied by a “cheating” partner.

‘This is very different from violating a partner’s privacy or exerting control over their digital activity, which crosses the line into abuse.’

Really though, it doesn’t matter whether your fears are confirmed.

Rhian believes it’s ‘important for people to listen to their gut’, as even the fact you’re feeling enough uncertainty to want to investigate shows you have concerns that ‘haven’t and probably cannot be addressed adequately through communication and healthy relationship behaviours.’

If you’re stuck with a niggling feeling you’re being played, you should first work out whether it’s a ‘you problem’ or based on something more external.

In some cases, fear over infidelity could be a result of previous experiences of betrayal in childhood or past relationships.

‘These problems could be rooted in a lack of security, low self-esteem and a default state of hypervigilance,’ explains Rhian.

Other times, mistrust stems from something that needs to be addressed by your partner, ‘like an absence of emotional availability, a lack of commitment, or the display of behaviours that appear to be selfish and/or secretive.’

Alternatively though, it’s down to both of you, whether that’s ‘not investing enough time and effort into nurturing the relationship, not being skilled enough to communicate with vulnerability, or not being able to resolve conflict.’

Whatever the root cause, Rhian says ‘communication is key’ in making it through.

‘In a healthy relationship, partners will be willing to listen, to explore and to find solutions together,’ she adds. ‘If communication fails or breaks down, it’s important to be curious about what this means for the relationship.’

From there, couples’ or individual therapy can help you dissect and deal with trust issues — or ‘help in situations where there has been infidelity and betrayal, whether the chosen route is to stay together or to separate and recover.’

Before giving into the urge to snoop, Denise Knowles, a counsellor at relationship support charity, Relate, says: ‘Take a breath – imagine you uncover something concerning and ask, “is this really how I want to find out?”

‘Think about what’s best for the relationship in the longer-term: once your partner knows you’ve been snooping it will only erode trust further.

‘‘If you suspect your partner is going behind your back, talk to them about it. If they continue to deny it and you don’t believe them, consider relationship counselling…

‘Ultimately, checking someone’s messages without their consent is a breach of trust and could be a sign of controlling behaviour.’

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