Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.
This week we hear from Felicity* a 26-year-old woman living in Brooklyn, New York.
Felicity is in a long-distance relationship with Tom*, who she met on Hinge two-and-a-half years ago.
The pair live a three-hour drive apart, and with conflicting work schedules, Felicity wishes they could see each other more. She says: ‘When we met we lived in the same area. I was extremely apprehensive about him moving away, fearing we’d feel unconnected and separate from each other.
‘At the time, we discussed whether we should break up, but neither of us wanted to.’
The pair are still deeply in love, and their sex life is healthy too.
‘I remember the first time we had sex after he’d moved away, I cried because I was so relieved that it felt the same, like nothing had changed,’ she says.
‘We promised we would never go longer than two weeks without seeing each other, and so far, we’ve been able to keep it up.’
Without further ado, here’s how Felicity got on this week…
The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.
Monday
It’s been two days since we’ve seen each other, four days since we had sex. The last sex we had was the kind that couples after two-and-a-half years dream of: long, exciting and new.
We had to be quiet as we were at Tom’s parents’ house, which always adds a layer of excitement, as we could so easily get caught. Adding thrills like this are part of the effort we put in to keep the spark alive.
On Mondays, I work from home, so I’m spending the day knocking things off my to-do list and running errands I’ve been putting off.
I keep texting my boyfriend about my activities and sending him photos of the tacos I’m eating for lunch.
He’s working an evening shift tonight, so I expect not to hear from him for a while. Around 11pm, he calls me on his drive home from work. I don’t mind the late night calls as I’m a night owl, and it is nice to finish my day talking to him.
I listen to what he did all day and he tells me about something funny that happened with his co-worker. We hang up but continue to text about random things.
As I lay in bed, I feel his absence greatly. I always find it so jarring to sleep alone after we’ve just spent four or five nights together. It feels extra lonely tonight.
Tuesday
This morning, I’m up early and on my way to the office, which gets me out of the house and interacting with my coworkers. The day is passing quickly, and Tom and I text back and forth once he wakes up.
I’m riding the subway home when I receive a suggestive text from my boyfriend. ‘You want daddy to take care of you?’ he asks. It makes my stomach flutter and heat rushes to my cheeks. While we don’t have a dominant submissive kink, both of us have always been a fan of the “daddy” dirty talk.
I hope no one on the crowded train is reading over my shoulder.
Once home, I enjoy a long shower and then make dinner before unwinding. The sexy text banter is still lurking in my mind, and I end up masturbating before he calls, unable to wait for phone sex.
Since becoming long distance, I masturbate more than I used to but when we’re together, I never feel the need. Phone sex is something we’ve always done though and I’ve enjoyed it with previous partners too, so it isn’t embarrassing or awkward to me. I find it comes easy.
We engage in phone sex every couple of weeks, and I also like to send Tom nudes. I use the ‘invisible ink’ feature on my iPhone to avoid any other eyes. It allows you to send your picture behind a shimmering wall that you have to erase to view the image.
We talk on the phone before bed, and I tell him about how horny his texts made me. The conversation is flirty, and I miss him.
It is fun to see myself evolve through this relationship, I grew up rather repressed when it came to sex, I think I felt almost afraid of it. And with previous partners I always stressed the importance of having sex regularly, but I was much more focused on them enjoying themselves rather than myself.
With my boyfriend, I experienced having sex with a man that really enjoys making me feel good, and prioritises my enjoyment. It has allowed me to let go, try new things, and gain a lot of confidence in the bedroom. I’ve even tried role play for the first time and really enjoyed it.
Wednesday
I can’t help but feel frustrated. Tom was hoping to visit on Thursday or Friday, but now, he’s saying he’s unsure if he’ll make it.
I’m travelling a lot this month, and our time together feels even more limited than usual.
In the evening, I go to a party with a coworker, and she asks me about Tom. I only tell her about all the good things.
One of the hardest things I’ve found about long distance is all the questions I get from people. They’re trying to be nice and seem interested, but I hate explaining myself or feeling like I have to defend my boyfriend.
The plan is for Tom to eventually move back to New York, but the date is still undetermined and it leaves people wanting to know more.
Once I arrive home, I feel the power of the two martinis I’ve had and can’t help but dig my heels about this situation. I send a text, telling Tom he shouldn’t say he misses me if he isn’t going to come and see me.
I know it’s immature and it’ll upset him, and it does.
After he finishes work, he calls me. He hates to go to bed angry. In fact, in the two-and-a-half years we have been together, we never have. As we chat on the phone, we both explain our sides.
Since going long distance, I haven’t felt like we fight more, just that we fight about different things, usually logistics. And, the longer we go without seeing each other, miscommunication usually leads to an argument.
Tom says he wants to see me more than anything, he just doesn’t know if he can fit everything in. I go to bed, hoping he’ll still make it, falling into a fitful sleep.
How to make a long-distance relationship work.
Holly Roberts, a relationship counsellor for charity Relate, previously told Metro that this relationship dynamic can be tricky, but shared that there are ways to make it work.
Holly says: ‘People in long distance relationships will need to be really hot on their communication skills.
‘When you don’t see that smile first thing in the morning or the reassuring hug when you need it, feeling confident that you are loved can be tough.
‘Regular reassurance and lots of communication may be necessary to let your partner know you’re holding them in mind and you’re there in spirit even if you’re not there in person.’
Within that communication, you should be talking about your shared goals as a couple and where you want the relationship to progress.
Provided you’re on the same page, it can help you feel united.
‘Regular check-ins will ensure the couple keeps heading in the same direction.
‘Setting key milestones will also help manage those sad feelings of missing the other person and gives you something to look forward to,’ Holly adds.
It’s also a good time to get creative with how you talk, perhaps introducing things like writing letters to each other.
She continues: ‘Sharing your innermost thoughts and wonderings is also a great way to connect, tell your partner things you wouldn’t tell anyone else.
‘They will feel privileged to hear this and know they are special because you’ve shared such deep and important things.’
Thursday
I wake up exhausted, dreading the day. While sitting at my desk, I receive a text from Tom saying he still can’t confirm if he’ll be visiting.
I remind him that if he doesn’t come today, then it’ll be two weeks without us spending time together, breaking our golden rule.
Work is long, tedious and soul-sucking, but it does include lunch with my friends at our favourite diner. I have a BLT and send Tom a semi-passive aggressive text saying I want him to make it down.
On my subway ride home from work, I get a text that he’s on his way. I can tell he’s in a bad mood and dreading the three-hour drive. In fairness, it’s a long way for less than 24 hours together.
Still, I feel so pleased and want to ensure it’s a lovely evening. On the walk to my apartment, I stop into my favourite wine shop and get a nice bottle, before heading home and ordering us Indian food.
When he arrives, I greet him at the door, and he has a huge smile on his face. I feel relieved we’re finally together and feel myself relax. He follows me inside my apartment, and we hug and kiss for minutes, sitting on the couch in my room. I often feel like we’re magnets when we’re in the same room and can’t stop ourselves from touching.
After cleaning up, we move to my room to watch a movie, which we get halfway through before having sex. I get on top and it’s fun and intense, since we haven’t seen each other. It’s a lovely evening and he tells me how happy he is to be here before we go to sleep.
Friday
In the morning, the sun is shining, and I feel so happy to be waking up with Tom.
I begin working from bed, while he snores quietly next to me. I work furiously to accomplish as much as possible before he wakes up. When he finally does, we head to the local coffee shop for breakfast.
We try to hold hands, but the wind makes the cold unbearable. Back home, we climb back into bed. He decides to move a shift around so he can stay another night, and we’re both excited to have more time together.
We end up taking a short nap, and when we wake up, I ask him if he wants to have sex – he does. We love afternoon sex in our relationship – if you have a big evening planned you can get it on and not be exhausted at the end of the night. I hate morning sex because I never feel sexy or energised so early.
I realise halfway through the sex my roommate is home, and we must be quieter. We laugh about it after.
In the evening we go to see a movie and sneak a flask of rum into the theatre to pour in our cokes. We’re sitting in the back row during the movie and can’t stop kissing. Everything feels very right in the world.
After our movie, we’re tipsy and laughing, and we head to the wine bar my friend works at for dinner and a glass or two. We spend a couple of hours there chatting, eating meatballs, and having a wonderful time.
Once we’re home, we end up not having sex as we’re both sleepy, but we cuddle for a long time, talking and holding each other.
If I could improve anything in our sex life, it’s the scarcity mindset I find myself in. I worry if we’re together but don’t have sex. I get stressed, like we missed an opportunity.
Saturday
I wake up and realise I’ve slept in by accident. I’d wanted to wake up early to enjoy the morning together, but it’s not possible now.
I feel the sadness creeping in that our time together was so short. I walk to the corner shop with him to grab a bagel and kiss him goodbye on the sidewalk in front of his car.
I have a housewarming party that evening, and he’s so upset he can’t attend with me — so am I.
When I get to the party, everyone keeps asking me where Tom is. A guy I’m sort-of friends with grills me about when he’s moving back, and I try not to get upset about it.
As the party goes on I’m having a fabulous time, but in the back of my mind, I wish he was here. Seeing all my friends in relationships with their partners can leave me with a tinge of jealousy. I just want to be like everyone else.
I stay at the party late, until 3am. Drunkenly, I text Tom about all the events of the night and how I wish he had been there.
That being said, I think that long distance has allowed me to hold onto my independence in ways I may not have. I still spend time with my friends multiple days a week, I go out dancing on a Saturday night, I feel deeply connected and supported by my platonic relationships, which can be easy to put on the back burner when you enter a serious romantic partnership.
Sunday
I wake up with a killer hangover and the desire never to drink again.
I text Tom to let him know that I’m fine, but in pain. He sends me some money to order food, his treat. He’s someone who loves to take care of others, and when I complain that I’m hungry and don’t want to cook, he’ll randomly send me money to get a takeaway. It’s his way of being here when he isn’t actually here.
Our next visit is scheduled for next Sunday, which gives me something to look forward to.
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