When you see a dangerous situation unfolding, it’s hard to know how to act: do you step in, or protect yourself?
It was a dilemma this woman faced, when she noticed another woman in trouble.
But while she attempted to intervene, her boyfriend did nothing, and she found his lack of action so upsetting, she’s considering calling it quits, saying: ‘I don’t know where to go from here.’
Brianna* was at her partner’s Christmas party, when they decided to head home. As they wanted for an Uber, Brianna noticed another girl standing alone, also waiting for a ride.
‘I didn’t like that she was waiting by herself so I was keeping an eye on her,’ she explained on Reddit.
Then, Brianna spotted a drunk man nearby, and alarm bells started to ring.
‘[He] was roaming around talking to himself, and eventually I saw him go up to her,’ she says.
‘I was watching the whole time to see her body language and see if she was okay.’
But then, the situation escalated when the solo woman attempted to get in an Uber, and the drunk man tried to follow. Feeling like she had to do something, Brianna stepped in.
She continued: ‘I tell the drunk guy to go away, this isn’t his Uber, and try to shove him off the car, but he isn’t budging.
‘I look over, and my boyfriend is still standing on the corner looking at his phone to see when our Uber is coming.
‘I call out to him to come help and he still stands there. Fed up, I go back inside the venue to find some guy bartenders who instantly drop their clean up to come outside and help.’
Brianna was stunned that her partner did nothing to help. She continued: ‘My boyfriend just stood there the entire time and watched me fend off a drunk guy by myself.
‘His defence is “he doesn’t know what people are capable of and people can be dangerous”, but he’s perfectly okay with watching his girlfriend walk into that.
‘I really don’t know where to go from here, but I can’t even see him as a man anymore if he’s not going to protect me.’
Brianna story garnered a lot of attention on Reddit, where she posted saying she now sees her boyfriend as ’emasculated’.
Many commenters were equally as horrified by the boyfriend’s response.
‘He’s selfish,’ wrote @SadMom2019. ‘He’s someone who you definitely can’t rely upon to have your back. That would be a deal breaker to me.’
Another @i_are_lisa added: ‘I see him as a selfish a**hole for not caring about anyone but himself and when his ride was getting there. Does he normally not care about what goes on around him/you?’
Many other commenters pointed out that her boyfriend’s lack of concern had nothing to do with his gender, including @katamaribabe, who wrote: ‘Lets take the fact that he is a man completely out of the equation. Even if it was just one of your friends, no help whatsoever from them is crazy.’
And @Troelski agreed: ‘The problem isn’t that he didn’t act like a man, but that he didn’t act like compassionate human being.’
However, the majority of the commenters were debating whether, put in the same position, they too would intervene. Some suggested that Brianna could have been putting herself in danger.
It’s a question that raises the issue of bystanderism, which psychologist Dr Tara Quinn-Cirillo previously explained to Metro as the ‘phenomenon whereby individuals are less likely to intervene in a situation where someone is in the presence of others.’
The theory goes that when multiple people witness an incident, psychologically we may experience ‘diffusion of responsibility’ – namely, the feeling that someone else will intervene.
And, even if it does become clear than no one else is going to act, the instinct is to protect ourselves, as was the point of view of this Redditor’s boyfriend.
‘Fear, past trauma, [our sense of] threat mode – fight, flight, freeze – influence how we act in a situation,’ Dr Tara explained.
‘Fear, reprisal, and other consequences can be powerful motivators for not intervening.’
Unfortunately, most of us have been brought up to ‘stay out of other people’s business’, so these ‘social rules’ may be another factor.
If you find yourself in a situation like this, it’s worth remembering the 4 Ds: Distract, Delegate, Document, Delay, and Direct.
The checklist was created by New York-based anti-harassment group Right To Be, and is designed to ‘be safe and not to escalate situations’.
Do you have a story to share?
Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.