It’s a scene from a cheesy romcom: two strangers a few wines deep lock eyes across a bar and stumble home to have forgettable sex, then wake with a headache and bellies full of regret.
Drunk sex is common – nearly two-thirds of Brits have done it — although depressingly, 60% of us wish we hadn’t. But a shift is happening, and it could be the death knell of boozy one-night stands. The reason? Self-worth and orgasms (or lack thereof).
Let’s look at the facts.
The rejection of hook-up culture is being driven by young people; a recent survey by sex brand Lovehoney found that Gen Z say they have never had drunk sex. Perhaps that’s no surprise, given Gen Z’s alcohol consumption has fallen by 25% over the last four years, according to research from Heineken 0.0.
Tawny Lara, author of the sober sex book Dry Humping, says this trend is unsurprising. ‘Gen Z are growing up in an era of #sobercurious, mental health destigmatisation, body acceptance, and queer visibility in a way that previous generations never had before,’ she tells Metro. ‘They also grew up in the information age, where we openly discuss how alcohol works and what it does to our bodies.’
It’s a hot topic on TikTok, where author of Drinking Games, Sarah Levy, revealed how she turned to sober sex after years of disappointment.
‘By and large, the drunken sex that I was having was very transactional. I was definitely never orgasming,’ she told the Lovers and Friends podcast. ‘It was like the act of a guy saying “let’s go home together” and being in that taxi or getting back to their apartment was the orgasm.
‘That was what I wanted, was someone telling me I’m good enough and the rest really didn’t matter.’
It makes sense, with Lovehoney data suggesting you’re 33% less likely to orgasm during drunk sex than when you’re sober.
The author developed a toxic relationship with alcohol and by 28, it was a problem. She had blackouts and saw how glasses of wine and shots were affecting her relationship with sex.
On a separate podcast, Conversations with Cam, Sarah talked about the experiences that made her want to change. ‘The first time I woke up in the hospital, I was probably 23 or 24,’ she said. ‘I remember thinking something needs to change – this is not working.
‘Seven years ago, I woke up in someone’s apartment and I didn’t remember how I’d gotten there or what had happened. I’d just turned 28 and it just didn’t feel “cute” or “funny” anymore.’
‘I felt so ashamed and horrible… it was embarrassing. It was just a moment of desperation which made me make the change.’
Kirsty is another Gen Zer actively choosing to avoid drunk sex, after being sexually active for eight years.
The writer, 26, had no issue with drunk sex for the first couple of years she was at university, engaging in it multiple times and enjoying it. But her relationship with alcohol also turned slightly toxic.
‘It felt exciting and fun at the time, and everyone else seemed to be doing it,’ tells Metro. Alcohol made Kirsty feel confident in bed, but that feeling didn’t last, and in her final year at university she got drunk and went home with a male friend after a Halloween party.
‘I still hardly remember what happened. I walked home the next day still wearing my costume. I felt very low, anxious and extremely paranoid,’ Kirsty explains. ‘I realised that I didn’t enjoy any of it and I felt ashamed of myself. It was consensual, but I felt degraded.’
The tipping point came when she realised she couldn’t remember finishing and falling asleep afterwards. That blackout spurred her to swear off sex while intoxicated.
‘I realised I deserve better and I can’t just shake hands with men in nightclubs and go home with them anymore. I want sexual encounters to be romantic and emotional, not messy and drunk,’ she adds.
Kirsty has reduced her alcohol consumption massively since leaving university and has seen a ‘huge difference’ in the sober sex she’s been having.
‘I feel more connected emotionally to the person I’m with and I don’t feel as anxious the next day. I don’t want to use alcohol as a crutch in the future to feel more confident in bed.’
She’s not alone in her preference for sober sex. According to a Lovehoney survey, 53% of Brits said it allowed them to appreciate the moment more, and to be more aware of their partner and their needs.
A further 47% found comfort in feeling more in tune with their body during sober sexual encounters.
The study found Gen Z the most likely to be teetotal (15%), with just 17% drinking on a weekly basis. But it’s not just the under 30s that are swearing off drunk sex.
For 63-year-old Suzanne Noble, it’s been 10 years since she’s had drunk sex and she has no plans to change that.
‘It takes me longer to orgasm and I noticed that if I had a drink, I could basically say goodbye to having an orgasm,’ she tells Metro.
The negative impacts of drunk sex
There are plenty of people out there who can have drunk sex and enjoy it, but engaging in intercourse while intoxicated does come with its issues.
Psychosexual therapist Ness Cooper explains: ‘Alcohol can lead to delayed responses, meaning we are slower acting on what feels consensual or not to us when drinking. Inhibitions are lowered and we can act before we think.
‘For some, there may be worries around how they consent and it can feel as if someone is just going through the motions, rather than
being present during sex, which can feel similar to disassociation.
‘Post encounter there can be an internal process of shame which can be influenced by societies responses around slut shaming sadly.’
When it comes to your bodily functions during sex and how they’re affected by alcohol, it’s no wonder many of us don’t enjoy it.
‘Drinking alcohol can increase blood sugar levels which can affect blood flow to the genitals and penile and clitoral erections, making it harder to experience orgasm,’ Ness says.
‘You can be dehydrated, leading to poor lubrication and your heart rate can increase which can make sex feel like more of a workout, or make some people feel lethargic. It may also be harder to relax the muscles for penetration (anal and vaginal).’
‘I far prefer being 100% present and feeling all the tingling throughout my entire body rather than being numbed by alcohol.’
It’s not just older women who struggle to orgasm But it wasn’t just the lack of orgasms that made Suzanne stick to sober bedroom activities.
‘I probably got myself into more potentially dangerous scenarios when I met people when drunk,’ she adds. ‘I’d go to a man’s flat or house whom I barely knew. Anything could have happened and I feel lucky that it didn’t.’
‘I know that when I’m drunk I might not be able to have the presence of mind to be able to be clear about my boundaries. If I’m totally sober and I’m being asked to do something I don’t enjoy or the sex isn’t going the way that is pleasurable, I can say stop.’
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